From Drowning to Juggling

Yesterday as I was doing the laundry, I got thinking about how I think I've entered a different phase of motherhood. As hard as it is to say (because I don't feel old), I think I've graduated from the "young mother"stage of life. I got thinking about all the happy times and all the stressful times that I experienced during that stage. I decided that I never want to forget those things for two reasons. The first is because it was an amazing, happy time. The second is because I hope I always remember the feelings of totally drowning in my responsibilities and that I never judge a young mother if her house isn't picked up or her kids aren't totally "put together" or on their best behavior in public. Because it's hard!!!

I remember so vividly how my heart would stop momentarily whenever the door bell would ring... wondering who got the pleasure of seeing my tornado of a house that day. I remember going to bed at night feeling so totally defeated that I didn't get a single thing checked off my list that day. It seems like with several destructive toddlers and babies that needed to be held, I had to hope that there would be five minutes in the day to hop in the shower or throw the dishes in the dishwasher. I can't tell you how many times I wished for just two hours to myself to try to get a little cleaning done. It seems like the most I could get done in a day was picking up. There was never time for the deeper things because the kids were always following me around pulling more things out. And then at night, when I probably should have been doing those things, I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I just wanted to lay on the couch and shut down.

I also remember days where I thought I would go crazy from being with little kids all day. As much as I loved my kids, I remember days where I would be on the floor with them while they played just watching the seconds tick on the clock in anticipation of Baylen being home and having adult conversation again. I remember so many people telling me to enjoy those years because they would go by fast. Well during those rough days, they definitely weren't going fast. But, thinking back on it now, there were hours and days that definitely didn't go fast, but the years sure did.

With all that said, my next statement is going to sound crazy. But, I miss that stage of life because of it's simplicity. It really was such a happy time. How can it not be with adorable toddlers and babies who I watched learning new things everyday... and who loved me. Because my kids were so young (and we were broke), we spent a lot of time making our own fun. We walked to the park almost everyday. We did science experiments and played in the wadding pool. We went on long walks to the pet store and went to story time at the library or book store. I played toys with them and read them lots of books. We were happy together and we sure had fun.

The stage of life I've entered now is night and day different. It's not as big of a struggle to have my house picked up because my kids are old enough to clean (and I have five hours to myself each week). It's definitely not perfect, but once and a while I even get around to cleaning the blinds or a closet. I think the trial I'm having with this stage of life is that I am constantly juggling. I spend a lot of time studying my calendar- without it I would be totally lost. Most days, I have to figure out how to have one kid at a certain place and the other somewhere else- at the exact same time. I have to worry about homework and not forgetting one of the 15 things on my calendar that day. All this while I try my hardest not to be too busy that my kids feel like I don't have time to talk to them. I remember several years ago when we were planning a girls night out. We (the young moms in the group) thought it would be easiest to go out on a Thursday night when our husbands were home. The moms with kids in school said that that just wasn't possible on a school night. I didn't understand at all at the time, but I totally do now. Much of my day revolves around preparing for the chaos that will happen between 3:45 and 9:30 PM. If something does come up, we are totally thrown off of our routine and it takes days to recover. It's all about teaching time management and responsibility (even though I am far from perfect in those areas). I live for the days when I don't have anything on the calendar (such a change from the days when I longed for something on the calendar).

As I've been thinking about all this, it reminds me of a quote by Elder Worthlin (I think). He said, "Come what may and love it." I really do love being a mom... the crazy times and all. I'm grateful for the different stages of life and the things that they teach me. Luckily I have very patient amazing children and a Savior who helps me as I get up each day and try to be a little better.